We Decided to Try Swinging. Now What?

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Welcome to the wonderful world of swinging! You’ve concluded that your commitment, love, and devotion to one another will not be threatened by casual sex with other people, and can now call yourselves swingers. But, where do you go from here? Let’s talk about it. 

Maybe you’re ready to take the first tiny steps into this lifestyle.
Maybe you’re ready to dive right in.
Regardless of how quickly or slowly you choose to get started, there are a few things to do before that very first encounter.

four people trying swinging for the first time

Things to Do Before Your First Swinging Experience

Figure Out Your Interest Level in Swinging

Seasoned swingers see too many new couples who have a mismatched level of desire and enthusiasm for swinging. Make sure to have this conversation before your first attempt at swinging.

This is a big decision. Don’t be (or allow your partner to be) the person who is being dragged along for the ride. Ask your partner about their fantasies and tell them yours. If there are any fantasies that make you uncomfortable, talk about the reasons why. Swinging requires honesty, and it should start from the beginning. 

Talk about Your Limits

Don’t just set limits; actually talk about WHY you want them.

Maybe you want to start with a full swap, but your partner is not ready.
Or, it could be that your partner wants the two of you to start with women only.
Maybe you want same room play, and your partner feels comfortable playing separately.

If you decide that there are certain things you don’t want to do (or see your partner do), make sure you explain why. It’s easier to respect limits when you understand the value and the reasons behind them.

Allow for Some Room for Negotiation in Swinging

Some limits will be deemed non-negotiable (example: one of you may not want to try bi play). However, in swinging, it’s important to keep yourself open to unexpected opportunities. If certain situations present themselves, don’t be surprised if you or your partner suddenly feel like you’re willing to bend the “rules”.

Be open to negotiation if your partner asks to change the rules, but don’t be afraid to say no to anything that makes you uncomfortable.

Establish Some “Secret” Signals

It’s always important to be kind, even if you’ve decided a situation is not for you. This is especially true when it comes to swinging experiences.

We once met a couple and I was interested but my husband was not. We were unexpectedly on the spot and asked if we’d like to follow them to their hotel. I was excited, but my husband struggled to find a way to very subtly say “NO WAY!” without hurting their feelings. Thankfully, we had a “secret” signal to communicate with one another.

Establish one of these with your partner to make quick exits as easy as possible. It could be a short phrase, a slight touch, or some other code to get each other’s attention.

Know that Mistakes Happen in Swinging

You or your partner might realize you’re not ready for a full swap AFTER you experience your first full swap.
Or, you might pick the wrong couple, drink too much, or stay out too late.

Don’t let mistakes cause tension and resentment, and know that they are bound to happen. This is where healthy communication can shine. Acknowledge what went wrong and talk about it. Apologize and forgive when necessary. Learn and grow from both good and bad experiences together.

Consider Other People’s Needs and Desires

If I had a dollar for every message or proposition from a new couple who clearly didn’t consider my desires, I’d have a whole bunch of dollars! The more “rules” you present to a unicorn or couple, the less appealing you will be. Couples who “can’t” seem to meet anyone are often the ones who have a very one-sided perspective of swinging.

If you have a specific fantasy that involves a 3rd or another couple, please don’t forget that swinging isn’t all about you and your partner. The others involved have their own desires and fantasies too! Make sure you’re open to considering the pleasures and needs of everyone involved.

swinging party

Planning Your First Swinging Experience

You’ve done the hard work.

Now it’s time to find an event, party, or swinger meet up and commit to going together. Start by looking for other couples or singles on Swingtowns and jump right in to send them a message. Don’t wait for something to fall into your lap. Also, don’t expect your craziest sexual fantasy to come true right away!

Be realistic and patient and before you know it, you’ll be living your wildest fantasies!


Members of the SwingTowns Community can discuss this article and its implications on the lifestyle community forum. If you’re not a member, you can sign up today and see what you’re missing.


Eva Giunto on Twitter
Eva Giunto
Eva Giunto is a writer, daughter, sister, wife, mother and friend who happens to have a high sex drive. She enjoys many things besides sex, but sex is by far her favorite thing. Eva hopes to be one of many women who share a positive and realistic perspective on those of us who love sex. As women, we are esteemed as great friends, business professionals, wives, mothers, daughters, sisters, etc… yet there is still so much stigma that makes a woman with a high sex drive have to hide this facet of her life. Visit Eva Giunto for more information.

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