Party Planning: Getting Ready for Your First Sexy Play Party Experience!

We Decided to Try Swinging. Now What?
January 19, 2022
Tips for Supercharging Your Sex Life
January 21, 2022

So, it’s finally time!
You’re ready to check out that swingers party, BDSM club, or sexy event that you’ve been dreaming about.
Are you nervous? I hope you are. At least a little bit. Then that means that you want it to go well, and to make sure that you enjoy yourself. Let’s talk about the ways you can do that. 

The great thing about these “alternative” get-togethers aren’t very hard to navigate. Yes, it’s a bunch of people that you might not know yet, and they’re doing things that you may not have done before. While that might feel intimidating, remember that each one of them also went to their first party at some point too. You definitely aren’t the only one that’s been in that position. And, believe it or not, the other party-goers want you to feel included and empowered, too! Here’s how you can make sure that happens.

fetish party in full swing

Tips for Enjoying Your Very First Party

Do Your Research Before Going

Before deciding to go to any particular party, it’s important to read up on the party itself. Most parties put up a list (or will tell you, if you contact the hosts directly) of their rules for attendees. Some party rules can be very simple and mostly focused on behavior at the party. However, some may be very lengthy, with guidelines on interacting with other attendees and other expectations. Reading the rules can help you decide if the party is one that will be fun for you. It can also help you avoid parties that aren’t quite what you’re looking for.

Additionally, reading party rules will provide you with a guideline for what other guests might be doing, so you won’t be surprised by anything.

Getting Ready to Go to the Party

Once you’ve decided on the party you’ll go to (and RSVP’d, of course), it’s time to plan out what you’d like to wear.

Depending on the location of the party, you can dress from mild to wild (and you can always check the rules or ask the hosts for some ideas.) In general, it’s a good idea to arrive dressed in street clothes, because many events and parties are in locations where the hosts don’t want to attract negative attention. Then, once you arrive, find a place to change into your party attire. If you’re still feeling unsure of what to wear, go with whatever you’d generally wear for a date night. Perhaps include a touch of leather, fetish wear, or something that makes you feel sexy. Don’t worry, you’ll fit in just fine! (PS: being clean and avoiding lots of fragrance – which can turn some folks off – will help people want to be close to you!)

Showing Up to Your First Party

Once you’ve arrived at the party, start by introducing yourself to the host(s) or monitors to let them know it’s your first time. Not only do they know what the general flow of the evening will be, but they’re usually quite sympathetic to novices and can introduce you to other people to help you feel more comfortable.

And don’t feel like you have to play a role while you’re there – you don’t have to be the most dominant person in the room, or the flirtiest, to get attention! The guests at the party want to get to know you, not a role you play (though that’s often the second thing to mention if you DO want to play). Many parties will even have name tags or other ways for you to signal what you’re looking for; and if that’s available, take advantage of it. This is one of the best ways to help start conversations throughout the evening.

Making Sure You Have a Good Time

There is one important (but often unspoken) point of etiquette to talk about – and that’s the question of consent. Most of the alternative communities reinforce the fact that enthusiastic, ongoing consent is a requirement for healthy and happy sexual exploration. That includes the interactions before and after sex, as well! It’s considered very bad form to touch someone without that person actively consenting to it. This is because not everyone at the party is interested in playing, and many people may have agreements with their partners about who they’re comfortable engaging with.

Make sure that you are always asking “Is it okay if I touch you?” or something similar when interacting with others. Not only does it give them the ability to fully consent, but also sets the tone for a consensual, fun interaction. If you hear a “no”, don’t take it personally, but don’t continue to press the issue. A great party happens because everyone feels free to be themselves. In order for that to happen, every person needs to feel like their boundaries are respected. Likewise, should you be approached by another guest, be clear about what you want and what you don’t; your decision should always be respected. If you feel that it’s not, let one of the hosts know.

woman dancing at a party

Final Thoughts

Remember, your first party isn’t the only one you’ll go to. In fact, the main reason that you’re there is to see whether the particular party is a good fit for your own desires and needs. Not every event is going to be a match. Some are focused on heavy S/m play, while others are very couples-focused swing parties. Still, others are more “free-for-alls” in terms of sexual activity. Chances are that you’ll find there are some things you enjoy, others you don’t, and some that you will become curious about. That’s all great!

If what’s happening isn’t right for you, feel free to move into a part of the party that is focused on social space, or leave early – whatever you need to do to feel comfortable. Of course, if you’re enjoying it, then keep going, and plan to go back again – because the point of this is to have fun, right? Right!

Now go enjoy your party. And, if you’re still looking for the right one, then find some swinger parties and have fun!

Members of the SwingTowns Community can discuss this article and its implications on the lifestyle community forum. If you’re not a member, you can sign up today and see what you’re missing.

Sarah Sloane
Sarah Sloane has been active in the alternative sexuality communities for almost 20 years, and has been writing, educating, and advocating for pleasure for 17 of them. A Chicago resident, she teaches all over the US & overseas on topics ranging from sexuality, kink, consensual non-monogamy, and beyond! Sarah provides writing, training & business consulting services for adult industry businesses. She also offers short-term, solution-focused coaching in addition to her ongoing class schedule. Sarah’s website is at Visit

  If you are femme-identified, and you lean toward…

A lover of mine once asked me to use…

  “I don’t know how I feel about him…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *