Domestic Discipline: He Wants to Spank Me. Should I Let Him?

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“I don’t know how I feel about him disciplining me. What do you think?”

It’s interesting how I get this question in one form or another, often asked very quietly, especially from blushing ladies. It’s as if the women inquiring about Domestic Discipline are afraid that the feminists of yesteryear might hear, rise up from their graves, and haunt any female who would dare consider such a thing.

I’ll be the first to say that I’m not an expert on Domestic Discipline. Relationships are as unique as snowflakes. No two relationships are exactly alike, and therefore, there is no correct answer to this question outside the relationship—even by others in the lifestyle. Only those consenting adults engaged in the relationship can truly know whether a Domestic Discipline relationship will be right or wrong for their relationship.

“He wants to spank me. Should I let him?”

I tend to respond with questions of my own…

“Do you want him to?”

I’m a firm believer in CONSENT. Without consent, discipline becomes abuse. I do not mean the occasional impassioned plea to not be disciplined as uttered in the moments when discipline is imminent, but the overall consent that you give to your partner before the discipline aspect of the relationship even begins. It is a discussion that must had before transitioning into it. You share your expectations with your partner. He or she shares his or her expectations with you. It’s all clearly laid out. Questions are asked, and answers are provided.

Couples should take the time to talk about it, to do research together, and accurately define what will be required from this new relationship dynamic. And most important, both should verbally consent before moving forward:

  • “Yes, I want to have a structured Domestic Discipline relationship with you.”
  • “I am giving you permission to modify my behavior (including the use of corporal punishment) for the betterment of myself and our relationship as long as it is done in a safe, sane, and truly consensual manner.”
  • “I agree to entrust to you my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual well being. In return, you must agree—here and now—to respect my decision to end this relationship whenever I choose, however I choose, just as I will respect your decision to end said this relationship if you choose.”

“Do you trust him with that much power?”

TRUST. It goes hand-in-hand with consent. The one receiving the structure needs to be able to trust that his or her partner will properly direct the modification of behavior for the right reasons, and the disciplinarian needs to be willing to accept the great responsibility (and at times, the burden) of this leadership role. While no human is infallible, the one managing the relationship should be of good moral character, consistent, honest, and exhibit behavior worthy of admiration as he or she leads others by example.

Safe. Sane. Consensual.

Would you trust a drunken adrenaline junkie to drive your car around town? Do you want someone who is emotionally unstable to have access to an assault rifle? Could you allow a short-tempered felon known for committing assault when angry to babysit your children? If you answered no to all these questions, then please do not grant untrustworthy people the permission (or power) to hurt you by entering into a relationship with them that requires their complete maturity and total responsibility.

“How well do you know this person?”

This brings me to my last word of advice: COMMUNICATION. Surprised that I referenced communication here? In my opinion, open communication is much more important than the length of time you have known a person. There are couples out there who have been in relationships together for ten years who know less about each other than couples who have been together for only ten months. I chalk this up to communication. Some couples talk with each other, and some couples don’t.

Are you uncomfortable sharing your hopes, your dreams, your fears, and your vulnerabilities with your partner out of fear of sounding silly or hurting his or her feelings? If so, how will you be able to communicate to your partner if the DD relationship has become uncomfortable, or if your partner has seriously hurt you, how you need their guidance, require their reassurance, or desire their comfort? Open communication is extremely important in the Domestic Discipline lifestyle for the health and happiness of the individuals as well as the relationship as a whole.

“I don’t know how I feel about him disciplining me. What do you think?”

 “You should probably go talk to him. Be honest. Communicate. Let him know what intrigues you about the lifestyle, and what scares you about the lifestyle. Do your research so you can make an informed decision. Domestic Discipline is more than just spankings, so ask him his expectations. And don’t be afraid to say no if you are uncomfortable with this kind of relationship. Without consent, Domestic Discipline becomes Domestic Abuse.”

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Tia Fanning
Erotic Author Tia Fanning has discovered that she always writes a little of herself in every story, and in that vulnerability, is committed to writing the best stories she can, challenging herself and her readers to experience the full range of emotions in every adventure presented. Be it love, lust, humor, grief, or even pushing boundaries that might be deemed shocking by many mainstream readers, Tia Fanning believes that it is her responsibility to tell the story as honestly as possible without letting her fears, societal pressure, or the possibility of censorship shackle her creativity. Life is a spontaneous, thrilling journey filled with highs and lows and unexpected twists and turns, and Tia wants her stories to reflect that awesome reality. Find out more about Tia on or visit her profile on SwingTowns.

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